if it’s been one time, it’s been a million

This year has been a tidal wave of emotions. It’s a whirlwind that picks me up and spins me in a thousand different directions and I’m left scrambling, searching to find the remains of a life I recognized. But not all the changes are bad. The other night, I was kept awake by a growing, infectious list of worries. They were parasitic and stemmed from eachother, turning into a massive case of insomnia. I counted the number of things I had to worry about until I ran out of fingers to keep track. And once I ran out, I started again.

School. Missing my friends that are at college. Classes. Applications. Family. Scheduling. Questions. Jobs. Clubs. Wyldlife. Church. Keeping my sanity.
The list never seemed to end. I wish I had been counting sheep instead of stresses, because the next day I was exhausted. However, the list seemed a lot more managable in the light of the day. I couldn’t handle anything at 1:00 am. I couldn’t reschedule conflicting appointments, find my church a new youth director, plan to finally see my friends, or write my scholarship essay. I couldn’t go visit my grandmother in her nursing home and make sure she was doing okay. I couldn’t go hug my dad and tell him that I miss him. All I could do was lie in my bed and send my wishes floating to the ceiling.
But as the sun rose, so did my options. With that light, things seemed a lot less menacing and overwhelming.

It’s easy to get caught up in the craziness that comes with senior year, or your best friends moving away, or pressures, or high expectations. Eventually, all the colors of chaos blend together to form pitch black, like what surrounded me in my room that night. That’s why we have to be intentional in pursuing some type of light in our life. Whether that’s writing or playing a sport or whatever, we create it. We can choose to hide away in the dark, wallowing in our worries, or we can get up and do something about it.

I’m glad that the sun rose or else I’d still be sitting in my bed dreaming of all that could go wrong.

New favorite song: Busted Heart – For King and Country