a manifest

Pull me out of this slumber, this confusion, this mass of work and sleepless nights. The strain hooks and tugs and I comply, striving to accomodate the clock. Blankets of obligations suffocate my schedule and all the while I’m craving for peace, for God, for feeling valued and loved. I beg for renewal, for sunshine and silver clouds. I want to thread melody back into songs, I want to emphasize the meaning in otherwise empty words. Push me to my knees and watch me arise from the ashes. Work me, push me, test my limits. As long as this heart is streaming life, running on one truth, I will look to the horizon and remember that there is land I cannot see. 
 I don’t trust the image I see in the mirror or mangled bodies in magazines. I don’t trust the words dripping in deceit that whisper phrases of inadequacy. I don’t trust the ads I see of boys and girls in perfect relationships, complete with ceaseless googly eyes and tender words. Relationships aren’t perfect, and they aren’t always easy.
Some nights, guards are pierced by the acidic message “you don’t add up”. One too many criticisms stowed away in the heart..one too many days restraining any sign of blooming life. On those nights, it’s easy to feel immobilized. A few days ago, I sat in a chair and let the wave overtake me. AP US History was on my desk, the radio was blasting, my phone was buzzing, my backpack was spilled across the floor, grandparents on my mind, the dog was barking, the heating was smothering in my room, blankets were calling my name, hunger gnawed, and butterflies were creeping out of their cocoons in my stomach, bursting forth and exploring their familiar home.
If I had taken a second, something could have hit me harder than anything else. Something could have struck me with more force than any family issue, deadline, or drumbeat.
Peace was hiding, but I was too blinded to see it. I slaved away, fueled by my own anxiety and pressure and racing thoughts. What if instead I had run off peace and hope? Challenge for the week..wherever you are.

New favorite song: Unwell – Matchbox Twenty

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