grow down


Sometimes there is an ache in my chest that rattles, catches on a memory, and sinks. I see little kids and I’m envious of their innocence, their faith, their naivety, their carefree hearts. Even though I’m still young, only seventeen, time is moving too fast. At times I want to rewind back to the days of Santa, being read to by Mom, holding Dad’s hand when we crossed the street.
I miss being that little girl. I want her back. The bright lights of childhood, radiating innocence and wide eyes, smiles and skips. I feel like those lights are flickering, becoming tired and dimmed. Losing that bright string of lights that made me a child, where the version of AIDS was cooties, where worldwide hunger meant everybody wanted snack time, where the only bad word was “stupid”. Where being bad meant calling someone a name.
I miss when messing up meant coloring outside of the lines.

Today I sat in my room, turned on the Mumford & Sons album “Sigh No More”, and listening to the whole thing straight through. No pauses. Every song burrowed their easy lyrics into my brain and it just MADE SENSE. It made sense like no math problem ever has. It resolved perfectly like no chemistry equation ever will. I took their words and made them my own. Music brands the chapters of my life and thoughts with someone else’s lyrics when I can’t find the words.

I miss people that are right next to me. I miss them like crazy, like it’s been a hundred years since I saw them. Or, maybe, since they saw me.
But I think if I was sitting next to them and I said, “I miss you,” they would look at me with a confused look. “But, Amanda, I’m right here.”
Do you know what I mean?

New favorite song: Tighten Up – The Black Keys
New favorite album: Sigh No More – Mumford & Sons

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