resist 

 It’s not too hard for me to forgive other people. I’m normally able to brush it off pretty well and consider it a simple mistake. I don’t want to lose them, for one thing – plus, imperfection is what makes us human.  But when I mess up, it’s an entirely different story. I do not expect to be forgiven by others, and I definitely struggle with forgiving myself. If someone else had made the same mistake, I can more easily see it as excusable. When people demonstrate unconditional love to me, I am amazed, because I don’t see myself as deserving it . I am amazed at being deemed worthy of unchanging love.
Just last night I was talking to my mom about this. She said, “After all that’s happened, nobody’s going anywhere.” I asked, “But WHY?” She replied, “Because you’re worth it.” This hit me like a brick. I wasn’t expecting it, because I’m constantly buying into the words “Amanda is not worth it”. But when I think of my friends and family, I see them as deserving everything in the world and more.
I treat myself worse than I would ever dream of intentionally doing to someone else, and it doesn’t make any sense. I’m perfectly fine with believing horrible things about myself. But when I hear other people complaining about their own flaws, I always wish I could convince them otherwise. I don’t get this. I think Christ’s mission was to spread the word that everyone’s worthy of love. I’m grateful to have that reminder, because sometimes it seems I need constant reassurance.

New favorite song: All That I Am – The Afters

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