i’ve had this for over a year.

 I’ve been staying busy and working like crazy, but it’s really not bad. At all. Mom’s been gone cleaning out my grandparents’ house, so chores are piling up. Wash the dog, mow the lawn, mop the floor, make the bed, clean out that drawer, tape that border and paint that wall, swiffer the hall, vacuum, dishes, kitchen, lalala. I actually like being productive, who knew?!

I’ve been thinking about what we depend on in our lives, and what it says about us. Everybody has things they rely on, whether it’s people, art, God, or whatever.
There are relationships that keep us strong when we feel weak. There is art which can serve as a release, whether in words, pictures, music, or paint. There are sports which can pound emotions out in the form of a baseball, some running shoes, or a golf swing. There is God, with undying compassion and a listening heart. And when all these seem too hard, or not enough, there are last resorts, which can be positive or negative. The thing about “last” resorts is they can quickly and easily slide up the reliance scale.
Pretty soon, what we use to cope becomes a shelter of sorts. It is our safety and our stability. What we depend on turns into the walls, floor, and ceiling of our home – protecting us from rain, snow, hail, and heat. How strong is my house? These surroundings are what get me through the day, it’s important. I see cracks in the ceiling, holes in the floor, and walls that are leaning to one side. 
 A friend has told me over and over, “Amanda, you’ve got to trust me when I say you’re not alone now. You’ve got tangible support RIGHT HERE.” I’m convinced that tomorrow I’ll turn around and there will be no supporting walls left. Magically, they will have disappeared without reason or goodbye, and I’ll have to start building again from the ground up.
No matter what I have to demolish and rebuild, no matter how long some support is able to stay and help, there’s a constant. There’s hope in here, whether you see it or not. It starts with a blueprint, the framework, the foundation… Faith, God, love. He sees the cracks and the splintery beams, and He doesn’t want that for anyone. He is part of the  strong, faithful walls. We are promised that HE won’t disappear.

New favorite song: Electric Feel – MGMT