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  • acleveland 11:36 pm on July 13, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    ehhh writing again today 

    Sometimes, I think caves in my heart are empty for a reason, like it’s not a suitable home for people or openness or God. Hopefully that will change someday, but I don’t know how or when. It’s not up to me to decide, and I can’t stretch and refigure my heart in order to accommodate what is wanted for me. I don’t have the power, and I don’t know anyone who does. Until God decides to mold this troubling organ, I’m left waiting. Patience truly is a virtue. It’s hard to maintain on the side of patience instead of slipping into complacent apathy.  This is when I remember consistent reliance and trust that He will be faithful in shaping my heart to conform to His own. He will dismiss the doubts and show me that because of Him, I’m worthy. I love Him, I really do. In whatever unconventional ways I find to show my love, I try. Where else would I find this reassurance, this hope? It makes it all worthwhile, I’m promising you.
    There’s a saying that says, “We don’t put up walls to keep people out. We put them up to see who cares enough to knock them down.” I disagree. Any walls that have been constructed in my life were not deliberate. They accumulated over time without my realization. Too many blows to the heart left new, tough, calloused layers of skin on the outside. It grew thicker and thicker until it was an impenetrable shell, a strong defense. I shed my skin and it collapsed in front of me in the form of a menacing wall, shutting others out and trapping me in.
    If you touch the sore spots, I’ll probably want to run away. This doesn’t mean it’s your prodding that reduces my stronghold; it means you’ve hit a bruise that something else left as a souvenir.
    Really, though, it’s facing the gray portions of our lives that makes the difference. Sometimes it’s best to talk about the in-between.  Those areas that are caught in suspension prevent us from moving forward. It’s tough to answer the questions that hit tender areas as we reel from its sensitivity. But pretty soon, it won’t be protected by walls and guards anymore. It will be protected by surrounding love. 

    Another new favorite song of the day: Swing Life Away – Rise Against

  • acleveland 1:28 pm on July 13, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    mi casa. 

    Finally home after an awesome but exhausting 2 weeks away. I really, really enjoyed the time with my family exploring the west coast. It’s beautiful.. Pictures will be up soon. Coming back and being greeted by 95 degree weather and 10,000% humidity was quite an adjustment to the 60 degree weather in California. Time out of Tennessee was needed and appreciated, but it’s good to be back home. We ended up driving 1,200 miles, and my ipod had to be charged every night because of excessive use. The four of us sharing a hotel room provided insight to how grateful I should be for my own space, that’s for sure.

    My granddad doesn’t remember who we are anymore. I miss the man who used to pick me up above his head whenever I saw him, who used to take me camping and we’d go looking for “Bambi”, who was an amazing artist that never completely captured his dream, and who knew every movie known to man. The confused and lost look on his face when we visit is heartbreaking. I just want to say, “It’s me, your granddaughter. And this person right here? That’s your daughter. Just remember that, okay?” Instead, I introduce myself and let it sink in that to him, we’re all strangers. He has the excuse of Alzheimer’s. Some others just have to admit playing deaf.
    I pray for some little wire to reconnect in his mind and to shift back to normal, but everytime I see him he gets a little bit worse. I overhear my mom talking on the phone with my aunts, and I can normally pick up on what’s happening. But as soon as I ask her, she insists nothing new is going on.
    It’s gotten me wondering why the crap this stuff happens. There’s nothing fair about cancer or Alzheimer’s. Show me the good part of a mind being vacated with such intensity. He doesn’t even have the comfort of knowing his support system. Strip down the bad and reveal to me the good side of cancer. The light in addictions. The reason for Will’s friend’s mom to die suddenly and without cause.
    The obvious Christian answer is that God has a purpose for everything. But there have to be some parts of the world that He takes no part in, right?  I mean, we don’t even belong here – our home is in Heaven. I’ve gotten tangled in confusion at the hands of the question: Where is God in this?
    Maybe it’s not about quickly overcoming as much as praising through the storm. My granddad is never going to snap his fingers and be cured. Broken hearts and watery eyes don’t magically transform to bright eyed smiles and skipping down the street. God is in the hope and the potential, I guess. And while it’s not fair, and while I don’t understand it, it’s easiest to cling to promises and truth. He has what we lack: control. I can’t grasp how he uses the control, and I probably never will. That’s where trust comes in.
    It takes trust to be vulnerable enough to hope. It takes trust to hope enough to see potential. And it takes trust to let that potential be molded by God into reality.

    New favorite song: Dive – Steven Curtis Chapman

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