Updates from October, 2009 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • acleveland 8:03 pm on October 29, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    uno. one. friday. 

    I wrote a song on the piano today. This is what happens when I… 1. Try to fill up my time 2. Get bored 3. Try to distract myself

    Ahh life in highschool. This is resistance, buddy. This is utter pain. Words have the ability to cut deep, rivers of hurt leaking onto my pillowcase. Silence creates a void. It’s an awkward, pitch black hole that comes out of nowhere. If this is what it takes, then I KNOW that life after this will be worth it. I’m ready to explore this world. I want to open the case that the world is locked in and have it all at my fingertips. I’m desiring to discover what His plan is for me so that I’ll see my life beyond tomorrow. I rode my bike today and took lots of pictures of beautiful Autumn. Over these next few months, I’m going to make art in a new notebook, complete with writings, pictures, collages, verses, you name it. I’m giving myself a purpose, something to be motivated and inspired about. Personally, I think it’s crazy that WE – sinful, unclean, deceiving people – are capable of creating something beautiful. Surprisingly, from these human hearts comes beauty that the world craves. I think it’s only because of God. He is the only one with the ability to create beauty, and through Him, whatever I do can reflect how glorious He is – in the form of an art project, or a conversation, going to school, or simply living my daily life. No matter how impossible this seems, I am not alone. And neither are you.

    Psalm 46:1-2: ” God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, before the rush and roar of oceans,the tremors that shift mountains.”

    Galatians 5:10 – “Deep down, the Master has given me confidence that you will not defect. But the one who is upsetting you, whoever he is, will bear the divine judgment.”

    New favorite song: Praise You In This Storm – Casting Crowns (Seriously, who knew my life currently could be tied up so well in a song?)  http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Praise-you-in-this-storm-lyrics-Casting-Crowns/1299620F9241AA074825707000090A78  

     

     
    • Kelli 8:26 pm on October 29, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Whatever you make will be incredible and beautiful because God is doing it through you. Don’t give up. School is hard, but you will get by because God is always there. Hey, and it’s Thursday! Also a bonus! I love you Amanda Cleveland! God has great things in store for you!

    • liza 11:06 pm on October 29, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      that was one beastly song I must say. you are amazing! and don’t you ever forget it!

  • acleveland 9:49 pm on October 28, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    e is for encouraging 

    This is why I love fall:

    Learned a lot today. By the end of this, it might seem like I have it all together. Well…I’m not going to lie and say that I’ve got everything under control. I’m not going to write down what I wish was happening instead of the truth. I’m not going to say that what’s currently going on in my life doesn’t bother me. It does. It’s lonely, seemingly hopeless, and tiring. But. I like writing these blogs because it gives me a chance to offer even myself some reassurance. I can reread what I’ve written and catch hope. Nothing is better yet, and I don’t expect things to truly look up for awhile, honestly. I’d rather lay low and let this harsh reality overtake me, but instead, I’m going to do a few things. I’m not going to sit here and let myself be taken down, even though that sounds quite convenient and easy. I’m going to find things to pour myself into with God’s help. Maybe it’s time to get started on a new project. I need something to strive towards to keep me preoccupied from gloom and sadness. I need encouragment – please!!! Anytime, anyday, anywhere. If you’re in the mood to say some encouraging words, or share some bible verses, call. me. up. School is only a part of my day. I have at least 7 hours after school,  I have weekends, and I have church on Wednesday nights. And truly… THANK GOODNESS for nights like tonight, and afternoons after school like today’s. I genuinely have no idea what I would do without those people in my life. During the time after school, I can forget about the day. I don’t know if that sounds terrible, but I just want to block everything from 8:30 to 3:30 out of my mind and erase it from my brain. I’ll go input overload on what I love so that it can outweigh everything else, and God can use me any way that he wants. So in my spare time, I should invest myself in what I love. I can write, read, paint, bike, run, draw, play piano, play guitar, hang out with Will, go for a walk, work on that new big project…the possibilities are endless. I’m going to take action. This is my resolution to myself. I’m shaking, but if I can help it, I won’t break. This is all temporary. “There will be a day with no more fears, no more pain, and no more tears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face. But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always.”

    New favorite song: Bye, Bye, Bye – Nsync  🙂

     
  • acleveland 10:15 pm on October 27, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    ordinary world. 

    Maybe this is all a crash course. We force our way through obstacles and cross our fingers, hoping for the best. I look in the rearview mirror and examine what I’ve survived. However, looking back takes my eyes off the road in front of me. Boom. Slink to the ground, look up, and start again.

    I am lost.

    Your lengthening silence pries me from this barren ground

    Yet, your mercy showers on me like rain in the middle of this drought.

    Your grace acts as my redemptive soil, and your patience is my lifeline.

    Knock down these brick walls, etch your way under my skin,

    Imprint a permanent label of your love upon my heart.

    I am solely yours, and this hurricane is only a gentle, swaying wind

    Compared to your unmeasurable power.

    I am in the middle of a crowd of unfamiliar faces.

    All appear identical except for one.

    With one glance of You, I am captivated, heart, soul, body, and spirit.

    I am home.

    New favorite song: Shadows by RED

     
  • acleveland 6:22 pm on October 26, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    eyes wide shut. 

    weakness: failing- a flaw or weak point. …..( So, we’re all weak. Because we all fail.)

    Be composed. Keep it all together. On the inside, do whatever you want. When you’re all alone, do whatever you want. But the rest of the time, don’t let it show. Numb is okay. School, home, everywhere else – it all runs together. It’s all the same. I’m so worn down, thank goodness I haven’t lost sight of what will build me up. I know He will come through for me. He has to. Thank goodness for grace, mercy, understanding, and patience. I can be wondering which way is up and still be connected to God. I read today that “his power is made perfect in weakness”. That’s a very encouraging, true, awesome statement. With everything else in life, weakness is the biggest downfall. But in Him, he makes weakness STRENGTH, because he shines through. It gives weakness a bright side. It shows the hope. There is a verse, Matthew 5:3, that I wrote on an index card and have been carrying with me everday. It says “You are blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his rule.” Who knew that we are blessed when we are dealing with too much?

    If I was strong, I’d be able to always think of the perfect response. If I was strong, I’d take charge of my own life and set everything back spinning on it’s axis. If I was strong, people wouldn’t mess with me. If I was strong, I’d always know the way to escape calamity. Ya know what? It’s a good thing I’m not strong. That sounds like too big of responsibilities for me. I couldn’t handle being my own hero. And I’m NOT…. at all.

    I think part of handing everything over to God is admitting and acknowledging that you are weak. Maybe once we let our “I’m so mighty and tough” guards down, God speaks. Then, God can say, “Alright, now that you’re over yourself, now that you know that YOU CAN’T move the mountains, I can work in you. I can take you and let MY strength be YOUR strength.” When I accept that I’m not my own savior, I can let my real savior do what he was born to do. Save me. Because before I accept the facts, I think I can handle it all on my own. I don’t have to tell God that everything’s going picture perfect here on Earth. I don’t have to say, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it all under control.” Nonono! I’ll BE REAL with Him and I’m just going to lay it all out for Him. He sees it all. A broken home, a lonely school. I surrender and submit. I’ll be best off and most in control when I give all my control away.

    New favorite song: Save Tonight – Eagle Eye Cherry

     
  • acleveland 1:10 am on October 25, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    pause 

    It’s 12:45 am, I’m writing a chemistry essay, and it’s been a long day of staring out a window. Tonight, as I write, I don’t care about appearances. I’ll make some order out of this scattered, jumbled mess of a brain. Writing is weird, if you think about it. It’s just putting down a whole bunch of words in a good order. So why is it so much better than math? Because math is clear cut 1 OR 2, this OR that. Not both. Math shouts: “There’s one answer, deal with it. You’re right or you’re wrong.” Meanwhile, English asks: “What do YOU think? This world is not black and white. Take what you can.”

    My feelings are contradictory. I feel so lonely, yet sometimes I really just want to be alone. At school I am one of too many. To the school I am just a name on a seating chart, space taken up, an ID number, a face in a crowded sea, a picture in the yearbook. I am not individualized, I feel generic – just another girl hurtling down the hallway. This makes me want to be alone. What if I was the only one in the school? It would be me and an empty building, absent of the bad jokes and yelled cuss words and fights and drugs and old news. Still lonely. Problem not solved. How is it that I stick out like the sun in a dark sky yet I also blend into the background? Screams dampen to silence, cries for help quiet to soft lullabies. I should need nobody. I should be fully dependent on God. Right? Or is that wrong? Looking back on eighth grade, and even last year, I don’t know where all these people have gone. People move, people drift away, people get different schedules, people get busy, people change, people get different friends. So what about the gray area? What is the reason for severed relationships when none of the above occured? I’m tired of awkward glances from across the room – mutual thoughts asking  “what happened?” penetrating the air. I hate these new shallow surface friendships with people I’d have to say I don’t know at all. Maybe I’m the one that makes most of these relationships paper thin. Maybe I get so inside my own head that there’s no room for anybody else.

    I’ve heard people say “I love you more than air”. I think that should be literal. I think we should love eachother more than our next breath. It’s one of the most ultimate challenges. And yet we’re so selfish. Not only do people lean towards loving themselves WAY more than any random person, material possessions consume our lives. Grab your iPod, snatch your designer clothes, go buy the latest stereo and show it off to the world. Gah, these things are updated so quickly and easily. Shouldn’t we be pouring our hearts into what will make a lasting impression, rather than what will be changed and revised in a matter of weeks? Doing what can’t be improved or replaced, like loving people more than air – that’s what matters. Goals: Care genuinely, let love be authentic, live in the truth, speak with no slander, give my life away.  Everyday.

    New favorite song: Run – Snow Patrol

     
    • Doug 1:50 am on October 25, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Maybe I’m the one that makes most of these relationships paper thin.

      You make me think. Those are elegant, crisp words that describe everyday exactly as I see it. One of my favorite blogs.

  • acleveland 12:16 am on October 24, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    los grandes fines de semanas 

    Memories are true blessings. Without them, we would lose a big part of our identity. We would be clueless of our background, learned lessons, joys, and experiences. We would be empty, walking, trying to remember where we’ve already been. Without memories, each day would be like our first and last.

    I remember… Building forts in the bonus room and sleeping in them, only for them to fall on top of me in the middle of the night. Baking with Mom and pretending to be a chef. Learning how to swim at Grandma’s pool, and then running into the woods with the dog. Pretending I was giving the world a haircut by cutting the grass with scissors. Butterfly clips in my hair. Drawing all over the kitchen wallpaper with a marker that was SUPPOSED to only show up on special paper. It showed up all over the wall. That wallpaper didn’t stay up for too long.  I remember taking all the berries off the bushes in the backyard and mashing them up, pretending to be an indian. Telling my dad I wanted to marry Will. Trying to make up my own language. Writing an entire notebook full of outrageous stories, such as “What Really Happened To The Titanic”. Cheating during the neighborhood easter egg hunt by looking out my window to see where they hid the eggs. Afterwards, I felt so bad that I cried and confessed to my friend’s mom. Losing a tooth in the middle of a softball game, only to be called “Snaggletooth Cleveland” for the rest of the season. Once, my Mom, Will and I were in the Disney store at the mall. They had a spaceship that the kids could crawl into while the parents looked around. Will and I were in the spaceship and this other little punk kid started pushing Will around. I then screamed at him at the top of my lungs, yelling at him for being mean to my little brother. Naturally, all the adults ran back to the spaceship, concerned. My mom came and got us in a split second. I couldn’t tell if she was proud or mortified. I remember Dad coming to my room every night before I fell asleep, talking to me and answering my questions. I remember learning from him that Jesus is coming back to Earth someday. I was shocked, and, full of amazement, said “So, He might come back tomorrow?” My dad said, “Ya never know, He just might.” I couldn’t sleep because I was so excited.

    I’ve found something new to be thankful for.

    New favorite song: I’m Not Alright – Sanctus Real

     
    • Doug 12:30 am on October 24, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      I might explode. I knew all this and more. But I can’t stop laughing. It’s good your finding everyday blessings 🙂

    • Kelli 8:24 pm on October 26, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      great memories! some are funny some are sweet but they are all very amanda cleveland. thank you for being you.

  • acleveland 9:09 pm on October 22, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    seven more hours! 

    Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was nameless. She stared at the sky, asked “why” too much, was quiet in class, and ran to the sun, dragging the world with her. She drew how she saw the world, and she created how she wanted to see it. This girl hoped to find the definition for the word “more”. One day, she ran. While looking up too high, she stumbled. To her surprise, something caught her before she crashed, crumbled, and slipped to the ground. She found the definition of more that day.

    Is even my warm breath invisible on a cold night? I stand on the outside of the circle, looking in. I try to step in, but there’s no room. This is when I remind myself that I’m never alone, no matter how much it seems like it. The comfort this offers is all I need. No matter what happens at school, no matter that I’m in a building with over 2000 students, and I feel like it’s just me. I can’t tell you how those two simple words – never alone – push me through the school day. Because of Him, I’m so grateful, so blessed, and so supported. I don’t care how often Satan tries to whisper in my ear that nobody cares, or that it’s me against the world. As Mark said at Resurrection, “Satan can’t have me.”

     John 18:-20 ” I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. Soon the world will no longer see me, but you surely will see me; because I live, you also will surely live. In that day you will indeed know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.”

    New favorite song: When I’m Alone – Brandon Heath

     
    • liza 11:17 pm on October 22, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      that’s right amanda you aren’t ever alone. And neither am I. cause god is always with us. it’s quite amazing isn’t it? well I love your writing. and I love you:)

  • acleveland 8:33 pm on October 21, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    sure,sure,fine. 

    Is it bad to be afraid of/dreading/hating to go to school? Hurry up, 3:30 – weekend – next semester – summer – senior year…………………….. 1. I miss you, best friend. 2. I’m sorry. Life, rewind, please? 3. Come home. 4. I love you two. 5. Why? 6. What happened? 7. Stay. 8. CARE. 9. Thanks. 10. Talk to me. 11. Keep walking all over me. That’s fine, I’m not going be shaken. Just know this: The God that you’re making fun of me for is what’s keeping me upright…………………

    A big word is on my mind tonight: Consistency. No joke, this word has been following me around the past few days. It was mentioned several times at bible study, and I had been thinking about it the past few days anyway. There is so much to be consistent about – even things that we don’t realize. I have to be consistent about studying, or I’ll fail. I have to be consistent about showering (newsflash to middle school boys). I have to be consistent about drinking, eating, sleeping. That’s all stuff that’s not hard, though. I have to be consistent with friends. Checking up on them, talking to them, being with them, encouraging, helping. I have to be consistent with caring. I can’t pick and choose when to care, and when to ignore others and focus too much on me. I must always care. Do this, do that. It’s hard. It’s so, so hard to be consistent with reading my Bible. It intimidates me. It points out my flaws and makes me second guess myself. But, at the same time, it’s my own instruction guide, my own MANUAL, to this crazy, confusing, scary, weird, awesome, amazing, painful, wonderful life. So I’ll take the challenge of fixing myself and adjusting my choices and lifestyle to God’s word: The living truth. Even though it’s hard to put my flaws, struggles, troubles, doubts, and bad choices on display, I won’t pretend to be perfect, because I’m not. I’m so far from perfect, guys. Trust me. But, I’m trying. And I don’t know if that is a reasonable excuse, but it’s all I’ve got. Crack my life wide open, read me like a book. I want nothing to hide and everything to share. It used to be the opposite. But now,

    I. Want. To. Be. Transparent.

    New favorite song: More – Matthew West

     
  • acleveland 7:58 pm on October 20, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    blinding. 

    School, homework, chemistry test tomorrow, espanol es mas loco que todo del mundo. I’ve been blasting the song “Always Been There” by Spur58 through my speakers today. It’s such a great song, with incredible lyrics. It’s been one of my favorites for awhile now.
    “I have been here before, it seems like time and time again. I keep trying to find life in the places life’s not found, I’m recuscitating old things without thoughts of getting burned. Is it possible that I could ever get it right?” There’s always those times when I slip back into old habits and old ways of thinking. I look around and search for the right place to lay the blame when it really all comes back to me. I don’t need to look any further
    than down at my own two hands. It’s frustrating, to say the least, that I’m always going to screw up, but I think that my best effort is one step closer. The choices I make are not like a tests. I can’t go back and change my answer. In this life, it’s impossible to switch my penciled in circle from A to C. There’s only one place that will take me back every single  time -even when I act without thinking and don’t consider the consequences.
    “Yesterday has come and gone and everything I thought I had was wrong. And all I really want is to be found. In You, there was meaning all along. I have nowhere else to go, I have noone else to run to. All around is quickly fading, and all I have is you.” Plain and simple – there’s one answer. Christ. Everything else is temporary,you’re the only one that won’t let me down. Even if these lyrics sound like the writer has lost all hope, I think it offers more hope than anything. He says I’m worth it when I’m all alone, and listens when everyone else has gone deaf. He hears when I catch my breath, and feels the wind of my sighs. He’s always been there. Even though I’ll end up staying quiet, even though I’ll keep it all to myself, I have a release.

    New favorite song: Breathe In, Breathe Out – Mat Kearney (listen to this!)

     
  • acleveland 7:52 pm on October 19, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    ¡hola, amigo! 

    Not a bad day at school today. I did pretty well on my midterms, the studying paid off. A lot to think about. I am motivated to mend. I’m finding who I am – nothing wrong with that. I’m praising God all the while. I’m genuinely grateful today for where I am, because maybe it was time to come down. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have any of the answers. All these 61 previous posts have been my opinions written down, telling little things about my day and my journey and the world’s savior. It will all dwindle away in the end – the truth of Christ is what remains.

    My dialect of silence keeps the story’s pages blank
    So I can keep these wild dreamlike stories
    From becoming jagged reality.
    Construct a fortress around my lips
    Seal in the sound.
    Words prove the imagination to run true,
    Confirming what you didn’t want to hear.
    Let the lyrical predictions tumble through my mind
    Unheard to everyone but me.
    Lock the gates,
    Turn away the growing line of good intentions.
    Build up these walls strong until nothing can break this spell.
    The contours of my heart are devoted to the blueprints
    Of your fleeting cares and halfhearted questions.
    Drift into indifference, where vulnerability is undefined.

    New favorite song: Your Love Is Strong – Jon Foreman

    Lyrics: http://www.lyricsreg.com/lyrics/jon+foreman/YOUR+LOVE+IS+STRONG/

     
    • Kelli Reese 9:55 pm on October 19, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Wow. I had to read that poem about 6 times to grasp your meaning. It was deep. I’m still not sure I understand it all, but I get the tone and the basic idea. Well done, Amanda. You have surprised me with your knowledge once again. Not to say that you are stupid. Haha.

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