Updates from August, 2009 Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • acleveland 6:31 pm on August 31, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    cloudy in the head. 

    So it’s kinda like I’m praying for healing of an unknown wound. But hey, He knows what it is. Came home early from school today from a migraine, and then crashed for about three hours. I hate migraines, but finally, it’s gone! I can’t believe today is the last day of August. It seems like just yesterday that I was asking where July had gone. Today was nice because I actually understand chemistry, I’ve gotten to be friends with the kid that sits in front of me in Driver’s Ed, and Senor James hasn’t made us do anything the past few days in Spanish. I’m grateful for that…

    I think I was just discouraged with myself last night. She’s right, I’m just TRYING. I always tell myself to try a little harder, give a little more. I’m ready for that point when there’s nothing more to give, because I’m already 110% invested. I feel like there’s a distraction that I can’t figure out, something in my way. In the past year, I’ve found out a lot more about myself than ever before. Sometimes, what I’ve discovered doesn’t really make me happy. Time to reset the scale and go a little farther. Do this, do that, go, fall, live. Yep, I’ll erase the word “someday” from my vocabulary. Why can’t it be now? 1 Timothy 4:12 says to not let people look down on me because I am young. Someday might never come if I don’t turn someday into today. (Does that make sense?)

    Yesterday was good – it really was. But it gave me a lot to think about, because for the first time in awhile I questioned myself. I’ve been praying a lot lately for everything to just…clear up. Including me. Maybe “What you see is what you get,” really isn’t a bad thing. Not all those underlying details, walls, untold things. School is still a struggle, yeah, but school is also an OPPORTUNITY to spread the love. School is the game, and God’s handing out jerseys. Time to get in the game and play for the right team. I can know all the facts about the game, but it doesn’t matter if I’m just sitting on the bench.

    By the way, opposing team… God’s gonna win.

    New favorite song: All Hail The Heartbreaker by The Spill Canvas

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    • Liza 7:54 pm on August 31, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      AMANDA!
      you are amazing!
      i love your blogs almost as much as i love you:)

    • Kelli 9:02 pm on September 1, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Wow. Exactly. It’s so easy to let things slide because we don’t have time. But we run out of time so easily. We have to keep going so we don’t run out of time and lose the game.

  • acleveland 8:25 pm on August 30, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    I hate half smiles. 

    Smile with your eyes, boy.

    Lots of crazy things have been happening. This week has been good, bad, weird, stressful, tiring, happy, nerve-wracking – too much of everything different. I’m still finding the hope, though. I keep coming back to that word: HOPE. I have hope for my high school, for He, She, Them, Us, It. Because really, where would we be without hope? Without hope, we could only cling to air.

    There have been some powerful things that have happened this week. Sunday school this morning was really incredible. I’ve never had a sunday school class that I look forward to so much. We all feel really open with eachother. I’ve been amazed at what God’s done with this class.

    I’ve kinda got a lot on my mind. It’s hard to write. Yeah, I’m gonna sort all this out and I’ll be back tomorrow. Thanks to all who read, seriously.

    New favorite song: Before It’s Too Late by The Goo Goo Dolls

     
  • acleveland 9:50 pm on August 27, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    TGI almost F! 

    Remember how I was talking about what high school has taught me? (Ya know, besides geometry, english, word geography, biology…) Well here are just a few things. 1. What people think about me doesn’t matter. 2. Don’t worry! 3. Procrastinating – not so good. 4. Good people are… incredible. Don’t take them for granted! 5. This is temporary, be real. 6. Driver’s Ed is the most pointless class in the world, so instead of just staring at the wall, WRITE SOMETHING!

    The world revolves yet I stay still.

    I watch the sun and moon swap places,

    Taking turns to rest.

    History blends with future as the past falls in love

    With the mystery that is unveiled by plans.

     The heartbreak in this romance between the past and future

    Is the cracking of a dream, snapshots undeveloped.

     Years glide by, melting away before my eyes,

    And a reflection of my life shows itself

    In my cracked wish of yesterday.

    On a hope, a prayer, a lightning bolt of strength,

    I rekindle the flame, and ignite a new love story, unflawed –

    This time, between my old, developed snapshot

    Of the dream before the shattering, and

    The present, the now, today.

    Fraction meets whole, and I step forward,

    Revolving with the world.

    Plans unveiled, I breathe in each new day,

    Chasing shards of a purpose that love welded back together.

    New favorite song: Must Have Done Something Right by Relient K

     
    • Kelli 9:05 pm on September 1, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      Good poem. Very real. Keep it up. I have nothing more to say because u said it all.

  • acleveland 10:18 pm on August 26, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    yeyeyeah. happy feelin’s 

    It feels good to be able to rant to someone that understands what I’m saying about Monday through Friday, 8:30 – 3:30, because they attend the same high school that I do. Today was a good day. Glide through my classes, try not to look at the clock. Go to church, relax.unwind.refresh. Refresh, that’s a good word for it. A breath of fresh air, good people, love.  I’m learning that we should all value our friends that we KNOW love us and care for us. It’s not everyday that you find people like that all gathered up in one place. Man oh man, the lessons you learn from high school. I’ll come up with a list of all that later. Since the beginning of summer, I’ve been making lists of what I learn through even small situations. Call me crazy, but it works. More poetry of the Driver’s Ed variety… here ya go.

     

    My shadow proves to all the world that I am not transparent.

    The evidence is plain and clear, suspended right before your eyes.

    I blur into the lines of temporary, the difference between the two is similar to the difference of rain and water.

    I utter the words that are lost in midair,

    A letter never received.

    Under the radar, off the maps, lost amidst the chaos.

    I am a sheet of glass,

    Being looked through like a window.

    I step outside of flightless bird, brighten up my colors.

    Finally, no longer camoflauged, I soar above the sky.

    Blink twice and I am gone,

    Quickly fading to the color of air,

    Wandering out of sight.

    New favorite song: No Such Thing by John Mayer

     
    • Liza 10:40 pm on August 26, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      amanda. this a list of my top five favorite things about you. there’s of course many more but i’m not really in the mood to write a novel.
      1. i love how you always know the right thing to say
      2. i love how you make me happy:) every single day
      3. i love love love your hugs
      4. i absotutely posilutely love your poems
      5. i just love you dollface!

    • Liz Shahan 5:28 am on August 27, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      love the poem and your writing. Very real and conversational.

  • acleveland 5:16 pm on August 25, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    |||read between the lines||| 

    The answer to the AWESOME science riddle from yesterday is.. (brace yourself…) ELECTRON. RONald Reagan’s campaign slogan.. Elect-Ron, get it? Okay, sorry. That was pretty bad. Anyway. Here’s a poem that I wrote today in Driver’s Ed, because there was nothing else to do.

     

    The sun shines through what is held up to the light.

    A captivating interest, a pressed flower of design – etched on gold and placed on display.

    Even among the random tossing of the dice,

    And the pounding of my trembling heart,

    And my breath held shaky and cold in my hands,

    The guaranteed outcome was behind the mirror all along.

    Dew on Earth’s carpet slips and drips into night.

    Into a snapshot of the day temporarily held up in the form of stars

    Always to be remembered – a recorded story of planned chains of events, strung together by driven purpose.

     As the sun sinks, the Earth’s mood darkens into the deep, holes to Heaven sparkling.

    Squeeze between the bars, now free to experience these ribbons of hours, printed with joy.

    New favorite song: Careful by Guster

     
  • acleveland 10:15 pm on August 24, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    smile! 

    Everyday in chemistry we have a science riddle of the day. It’s pretty awesome. Think on this and I’ll give you the answer tomorrow.

    “What should Ronald Reagan’s campain slogan be?”

    Hint: It has to do with science and chemistry and all that. Oh, and by the way, I CAN’T do chemistry. I really can’t. I just realized that today when I sat down with my homework and tried to figure out how many atoms are in 34.45 grams of chlorine. If anyone knows the answer to that, please let me know! Also, tell me if you happen to remember how many grams of arsenic are in 3.21 mols (1 mol = 6.02 times 10 to the 23rd power). Because I care about this stuff. Really. I care SO MUCH how many grams of arsenic are in whatever atoms isotopes ions and all that. Oh yeah. It’s great.

     I ran again, this time at night. I was racing the sun so I could get home before dark. I felt a strange peace all day today. It was nice, and I know where it came from. I had GRACE written on my arm, I was armed with Ephesians 6, and a hopeful perspective for the day. Even when things were going wrong… such as when I discovered my chemistry book got stolen… I felt okay.  I know I should be freaking out right now about that textbook. But, when I opened the locker door only to find it empty, I simply said a little prayer for peace and went on to Driver’s Ed. After feeling all that anxiousness and anger over the weekend about going back to school, it’s been pushed aside. Bring on tomorrow, I’ve got all I need.

    New favorite song: Black Coal by Sanctus Real (LISTEN TO THIS!)

     
  • acleveland 9:25 pm on August 23, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    I think I can’t, I think I can’t.. 

    So every Sunday I’m going to give my view about what we talked about at youth group.

    Maybe the little engine that could got it wrong when he said “I think I can.. I think I can.” Now doesn’t that go against everything you’ve ever been told? Keep reading!

    Sorry but…. I can’t get through the school day. I can’t do my confusing homework. I can’t refrain from cussing. I can’t wake up without hitting the snooze button 23278 times. I can’t stay in the softball game. I can’t take my band director’s yelling all day. I can’t speak in front of my classes.

    But God can. Wow, He does everything. I was reading from my friend’s Bible, and at the beginning of the chapter it told who wrote the book. But instead of saying “Paul wrote this book,” it said “Paul was holding the pencil that God used to write with.” We deserve no credit. It’s God, not us. It’s not about me. I CAN’T do anything without Him, no matter if it’s something difficult or something easy.

    I feel good. I really do. Great through and through. Today I went to church, did homework, ran a couple miles, helped at softball practice, had youth group. I love this schedule, getting back into routine, starting a new year. Yeah, I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. But tonight I realized that it’s not up to me to get through school by myself. Because I’m not alone. And I know how to ask for help if I need it. I’ve got nothing to hide, nothing held in, feeling carefree and happy. Whatever I’m dealing with isn’t important in this moment, on this night, because I turned it over. (I Turn Everything Over by Switchfoot – good song).

    Remember today that the glass is half full and the grass is greener on the other side.

    New favorite song: Jump Around by House Of Pain

     
    • Liz Shahan 11:55 am on August 24, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world
      Mother Teresa

      • acleveland 10:19 pm on August 24, 2009 Permalink | Reply

        That’s awesome! Thanks!

  • acleveland 9:59 pm on August 22, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    just la truth 

    Today was very good! My thoughts unedited, because people can think whatever. Warning – this will be a long blog today.

    Yeah yeah, I’m still letting it go. No more drama and pressure getting to my head. A soft whisper won’t send my stacked up heart sailing to the ground. Man, I place too much importance on unnecessary things. Halfway through, I ask myself if I’ll laugh about it later. I ask myself if what’s keeping me awake now will eventually make me smile and say “what was I thinking?”. It’s happened before. I used to think I was crazy because I KNEW I could make things fly with my mind, and nobody else could. Now that I think about it, when I thought I was crazy, I guessed right. There goes that excuse out the window.

    Happiness used to come in waves for me, I’ll just say it. From seventh grade up to well, recently, I guess. I believed for a long time I imagined everything I was feeling, until I realized if everyone felt like that, people would have said something about it before. I could be at the top of the world one moment and tumbling down the next. I’m getting over it, slowly but surely. I’ve realized that through God I have strength that nothing worldly can provide.

    We’re always looking for answers, aren’t we? Even just flipping through pages in a text book for the answers to questions #1 – 10.  Searching for ways to let go. Move on. Get out. Jump over. Release what’s caged in. Turn rightside up what’s been flipped upside down. Breathe out. Chill out.

    I think that until we accept that we need answers, we’ll be suffocated with questions. Unanswered, unfinished questions. A frame with no picture, a page with no words, a pencil with no lead, a night with no moon, a circle with an ending, the sun without heat, glasses with no lenses, pockets with holes. I always feel a need to know the next play in the handbook, the next event on the list. I ask, “What should I do?” Instead I should be asking, “What should I LET GOD do?”

    He’s going to answer all these questions and set everything right in place, a perfect match. We can’t fix certain situations, we can’t be everywhere at the right time, we can’t read people’s minds and know their magic words. And let me tell ya, this frustrates me all the time. I want control. I want to zap or abacadabra  new lifestyles into people’s hearts. I believe we are best off when we give away all of OUR control, when we stop trying to take charge and let God do it. He IS the expert… I mean, He DID create matter and everything.

    Yeah, he created matter. Atoms. And the elements. Maybe he can help me with chemistry.

    Anyway, let the big guy upstairs take charge. Even if you feel like you’re missing something, you’re actually more fulfilled than before. There’s still a master plan, and there always will be.

    New favorite song: Twenty Four – Switchfoot

     
    • Kelli 9:20 pm on September 1, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      a magic zap would be so cool! unfortunatel ywe just have to trust that He is going to work everything out with people. Trust is hard but its necessary.

  • acleveland 7:31 pm on August 19, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    hide and seek 

    A lot has happened this week. I’ve got a 4,000 pound backpack, an alarm clock I want to chuck out the window, GRACE written on my arm as a reminder, and new teachers to figure out. I’ve got 9 missed calls, a new appreciation for rain (it gets me out of band class), and a hope to fall asleep earlier tonight. Haven’t been able to sleep since Sunday. I feel like I need a break already! I find myself looking forward to quiet times in the morning and at night. Time to break down fractions of my day, to find the peace that’s not offered anywhere else, to unwind and straighten out my tangled web of thoughts and feelings. 

    When I walked in the high school on Monday morning, I looked around and saw groups of people everywhere. I could point out kids from band, theatre, art, sports teams.. all huddled together, unbroken circles, reminiscing on last year and telling stories from summer. I didn’t know where to go. I felt out of the loop, like everything had been rewired. Really, I had just forgotten. I have felt like I blend into the background, a chameleon even in bright colors against white walls.  A surprising amount of homework already, teachers that seem more asleep than me, lots of pushing and shoving, and no friends in my classes have brought lots of frustration, but I’m still clinging to God and searching for the strings that pull me back up again, a puppet in his hands.

    I’m trying. I’m giving my best effort to discover glimpses of hope in unsuspecting places. That place where “hope” can seem like a foreign word is among the cliques, groups, gossip, and rumors that make high school their home. I’ve been determined to find it there, because I need it. I won’t let this be another untold, unheard freshman year. I don’t want these days to be etched with stress, and they don’t have to be. I’m feeling so grateful for a passion that’s grown for my savior, and the friends that are keeping me sane while in the same position as me. Like I’ve said before, God can bring a mountaintop experience out of a valley, along with new understanding and faith. All glory goes to Him when I say… 1, 2, 3… ready or not, here I come, high school – ready to stand up strong and face you head on, even through the discomfort.

    New favorite song: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing – Jack Johnson

     
    • emmaa!! 8:14 pm on August 19, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      dang girl, i love you. high school sucks, but youre right. prayer time, right? ha, stay strong, college is better :] come visit me.

    • Douglas 7:30 pm on August 22, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      I have English with you next semester 🙂

  • acleveland 9:17 pm on August 18, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    alrighty. 

    Last night, I went through all those old journals, and I found one from seventh grade. Not gonna lie, I cared about some really unimportant things. I don’t know what I was thinking, half of the time. I mean, wow. I’ve been through some weird stages in my life, like believing I could make things fly, collecting anything with butterflies, etc.. Anyway. In this journal, I had written down whatever was going on in my life, cut out articles from magazines, and quotes that I had heard and liked. I wrote about each new youth pastor interviewing for the position. I wrote down lyrics from songs I had heard. Here are some things that stuck out to me from other people.

    “If your life was the only gospel someone ever read, what message would they receive?”

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” – Marianne Williamson

    This was my first attempt at poetry.

    Once in a while, we start to understand

    That miracles can happen,

    Just trust and grab my hand.

    Never let go, hold on tight

    And then you will see

    What we have is right.

    Beyond all comprehension,

    Far from all belief

    This feeling has seized me

    And pulled me underneath

    Into the stream where love flows fast.

    I look into your words

    And know that it will last.

    Forever, forever

    Into the settting sun

    While approaching the horizon,

    I see what has become.

    A miracle, a love,

    That we have come to share.

    Bonded for eternity

    Thank you for taking me there.

    New favorite song: Times by Tenth Avenue North

     
    • Liza 10:06 pm on August 18, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      i love. your. poetry. it makes me smile:) you are amazing!

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